Say Hello To My Little Friend

Not to be outdone by Jon & Kate and their "very special announcement," I have some news of my own.

Let's go ahead and take some of your questions.

Internet:

Holy crap! That's a baby! In YOU!

Lisa:

Dude, I KNOW.

Internet:

Huh. Well, that explains those unsightly baggy clothes. Here we thought it was all that cake.

Lisa:

Oh, suck it.

Internet:

So, when are you due?

Lisa:

Christmas...JESUS H. CHRIST!

(To clarify...I'm not insinuating that the baby is, in fact, the second coming of Jesus Christ. I just can't believe I may end up eating a hospital's version of Christmas ham. Wrong on so many levels).

Internet:

And how are you feeling?

Lisa:

Oh, you know, the usual: Sick. Tired. Hungry. Ugly. Weepy. Happy.

Internet:

Are you going to find out the baby's sex?

Lisa:

Absolutely. You know I can't keep a secret, not even from myself, much less from YOU, Internet. Besides, we have about 29 tubs in our basement containing five years of little boys clothes. If this one's a girl, it's CLEARANCE TIME.

Internet:

Wait...what IS that? Has your belly button already popped?

Lisa:

No, no. That protrusion you see would be the rubber band holding my pants together. Careful...it may fly off and poke your eye out.

Internet:

Is Jack excited to be a big brother?

Lisa:

He is. But only because we told him he gets to be the boss of this baby. What he doesn't know is by "boss" I mean 'diaper changer."

Internet:

So you have one well out of diapers, you have your life back, and now you're going to start ALL OVER again with another tiny, helpless baby? ARE YOU CRAZY?

Lisa:

Yes. Yes I am.